Life:Post-Mission....DEPRESSING!

Disclaimer: This is going to be a depressing post, because I am totally going to be venting, so if you don't want to read the depressing.... SKIP this one!

When you are out on the mission, working hard, you feel great, because you know that you are helping others grow closer to God, and doing things that are worthwhile. You never want to leave, but at the same time, you can't wait to be home and see the people that you love, the siblings who you have missed like they were a piece of you void and gone for a year and a half, then there are your friends who wrote you faithfully or every once in a while, but will be waiting for you at the airport. The anticipation increases as the days draw closer, and you realize that you aren't going to be there anymore. It is bitter-sweet, but you have hope for the future. Advice is given to help you transition, but there is nothing that can really prepare you for what you experience. In my case, I came home to a life void of purpose. I have been home 2 1/2 months, searched for a job, while hearing comments from my mom and sister about how I was mooching off people, while I on the other hand had been searching, applying, interviewing, and trying to get a job to help me support myself. My sister so kindly offered to pay for me to have a cell phone, which was a huge blessing in my life so I could talk to the people in Georgia that I love and missed once I got home. Eventually an old mission companion helped me get a job, one that is super stressful at times, always eventful, but one that I love despite the everyday trials. The Job is great, but getting there and back is the killer. haven't gotten paid yet, and still broke form being unemployed! Broke, and in debt on my credit card.... not a good mix, but the only reason for charges have been for a good cause, and I know there will be money coming in. Anyway, I don't hang out with my friends anymore, because I feel like a crappy friend always having to ask for rides, and not being able to pay them for gas. Each day when I get a ride to or from work, I feel like a burden to my family because they complain about having to pick me up or take me, about their long day and wish they could just go home instead of having to come out there and get me, or about how they want money for gas. I feel so useless. I wish I could support myself, and help others. I wish I could feel like I was contributing to society without a million forces around me trying to pull me down.
I feel like I lost my best friend, I feel lonely and useless, and wish I could see the light at the end of the tunnel! I need a car, I need a paycheck, I need consideration for my feelings of being a burden to others, I need to feel like I am not just someone that is always in need! I am tired of crying, I am tired of feeling worn out, and stressed, I am tired of not being good enough despite how hard I am trying.
That is my venting! I needed to get it out! Sleeping pill, anti-depressant, 8pm.... time to end the night, and hope tomorrow is better! Hopefully sleep eases the useless feeling.... I don't now what else will!